Thursday, August 23, 2012

Hello, Stranger!

Hello, Stranger!  Could you please tell me how to take care of my baby?

This is adapted from Wendy Molyneux written here.

* This post is written to be funny.  I do not really feel this passionately.  But I'm pretty sure Scott does :)
* I welcome tips and tricks from friends and family.  Just not strangers.

Oh, hello, stranger in the fabric store!  Thank you for telling me that it is "mother's like me who kill their babies due to those silly canopies that cause babies to overheat and die every day!"   I'm glad you said something, I was wondering if the canopy I intentionally draped over my baby would kill her.  How silly am I to think it was protecting her from germs, weather and crazy quilt shop ladies...  I am super relieved because I have a series of questions about my baby that I hope you can answer, and I am going to ask them because I know you would never offer me unsolicited advice.

First of all, should she sleep, ever?  If so, should it be at night?  Should I keep her in a bassinet or crib, or should I let her sleep in the yard, or in the toaster?  Oh, and when she's sleeping should I wake her up to listen to rock music and suck on Jolly Ranchers together?  Being a new parent is confusing, so I need to rely on kind strangers like you to fill me in :)

Oh, hello Costco receipt checker!  Thank you for lifting my baby's cover and rubbing her feet and hands so ferociously that she woke up from a dead sleep to start screaming!  It's okay, we were on our way our anyway.  Thank you for the compliment on my child's beauty.  It was really worth sacrificing her afternoon nap/sleeping schedule so that you could tell me how cute she is.  Oh, and spread Costco shopping cart germs onto my child's hands.  Thanks!

Oh hi, nice lady!  You are probably right!  With my baby's fair complexion, I can't carry her into the grocery store without a hat and sunscreen.  Thank you for telling me how crazy I am for letting her face see the sun for that 30 seconds... heavens! She could get sun disease and burst into flames!  I'm so glad you stopped me!

Oh, hello, person I have never met at the farmers market! You did not scare me at all with your very loud voice as you rushed up to tell me that "two babies died today from falling out of windows."  Remind me, please, how me playing and doing tricks with my daughter at the park correlates with children falling out of windows?  I'm glad you were there so you could cause a scene and tell me not to be an irresponsible parent.  Phew!

Hi, stranger!  Oh, my baby is crying?  I had no idea!  I should see if she is cold?  Oh, she could be hungry?  Wow, good thing you were here, or I would have no idea what to do next!  There are just so many things I need to know, and that is why I rely on total strangers like you who happen to be experts on child care.

And that my friends, are true stories from a mom of 3 months.


Julie T said...

Yes, we all forget about those well-intentioned people who are totally inappropriate and uninvited who lay all that unneeded advice on us until we get to laugh about it all over again when it happens again to someone like you! It's all part of the mixed up adventures of being a mom! Thanks for sharing :)

Claire said...

UGH. She reached UNDER the canopy and WOKE HER UP? I hope she felt dumb.

Heather said...

This was super funny. I've gotten some real winners out in the midwest too about having so MANY (4) children.

Margene said...

Every parent knows their child and every child is different. Can I just look at a baby in Staters if she is not covered and say nothing.

Tara said...

are you serious? hahahaha. apparently their either 1) never had a child or 2) don't remember having one if they did. isn't it so fun? :)

Scott said...

So funny babe. I'm glad you decided to have some fun with these adventures. Maybe this will help me get over my resentment! :)

Noelle said...

I agree--you will be laughing about this later. :) It's totally obnoxious at the moment but it makes for great stories. Luckily children are resilient!